Garden Tales #1 - The Confused Onions

Elizabeth at the herb plot

Earlier this week, the onion bulbs in the herb plot had some kind of identity crisis.

While pottering around the herb plot, Elizabeth poked at them and declared that she was looking forward to picking spring onions. "How I love spring onions!" She sang.

That caused a little confusion. Were they spring onions, or were they scallions?

And so the onion bulbs debated amongst themselves about what they really were.

One bulb thought they were indeed spring onions.

But another bulb disagreed. "Yes, we have long green leaves, but all of our relatives do. That doesn't definitely make us spring onions. Besides, spring onions have white bulbous bottoms. Our bottoms are bulbous, but not white."

"So what do you think we are then? Since you're so clever." The first bulb huffed.

The second bulb replied, "Well, I think we are Spanish onions."

"Oh pooh! We are not! Spanish onions are a little yellow inside, and they've got light brown skin. Plus they're huge. We're not that huge," snapped the first bulb.

"Now, now, there's no need to be nasty," chimed in another (third) bulb."Let's all calmly analyse the question."

The first and second bulbs frostily responded, "Pray what, then, do you think we are?"

The third bulb slowly said, "Well, we are not scallions either. Scallions are white-bottomed too, but straight." It thought in silence for a little while, and then added, "Perhaps we are red onions. We are roundish and have red papery skins."

The first bulb replied, "You may be round, but the rest of us are not. And our skins are not that red!" Its response brought a flurry of giggles from the others.

Before the red-faced third bulb could retort, a fourth bulb shyly piped up, "Well, red onions are also quite large, larger than we are. Perhaps we are pearl onions?"

The third bulb snorted, "No, no, no. Pearl onions are small and white." And the first bulb added, "You may think you're sweet, but you still can't beat a real pearl onion."

The fourth bulb sunk into hurt silence. A fifth bulb, hoping to turn attention away from the hurtful comments, piped up. "Do you suppose we are shallots? We are larger than pearl onions, but smaller than our red cousins and our Spanish cousins. Our skins are more like orange-brown than red. And our insides are not really maroon like our red cousins."

The other bulbs thought about the fifth bulb's suggestion. The second bulb was about to make a comment when they all noticed Elizabeth returning to the herb plot. Watching her, they hushed up and concentrated on pushing forward their fleshy green leaves. Each hoping to be the sole recipient of her affectionate attention.

As for little Lizzy, feeling a little confused about the identity of the sprouting onion bulbs in the plot, she went into the house to look up "A Beginner's Guide to Onions" (Lauren Rothman on Serious Eats).

As she poked around the soil, she mumbled, "Hmmm... They are sort of small and slender.... Not red, but orangey skins. Oh, not red flesh but more like purple." After pressing down the upturned soil, she stood up and dusted her hands. Her face was pensive. The bulbs held their breaths, hoping she would clear it up for them.

Sighing dramatically, she exclaimed, "I was mistaken. You lot are actually shallots!"

The bulbs were stunned. Will she still love us? They thought, their hearts in their mouths. But their fears were left unanswered, as Elizabeth turned around and skipped back into the house, humming a tune.